I just found out it’s Wednesday. Thought it was Thursday up to now. Now, part of me knew, I know that because I’ve been off kilter, out of sorts since I woke up. I’ve felt rather vacant and my energy has been vibe-ing lower than my usual easy-going zone.
So ,as within, so without being what it is, I encountered a lot of struggle while attempting to complete chores downtown. I found myself feeling easily insulted and outraged at any sign of unkindness, unfairness and just plain wrong behaviour. (for example, a woman in a shoe store demanding the single, overwhelmed sales clerk’s attention even though others were first and told her). Well she encountered the legendary ‘wrath of Sharon’, and I didn’t phase her stone face a bit. That made me even more reactive and I plummeted into a minefield of imaginative yet totally vengeful, negative thoughts.
As I continued to walk through the Mall, I stopped and gathered myself as I could feel my blood pressure rising as my inner toxicity amplified. I chose to head home. To not push against myself. Maybe I would read a book, meditate, or do something to raise my vibes. I am not used to succumbing to my negativity much anymore. It sucked being there.
Then awarenesses started to come to me, one by one leading me back home to myself. Ah..waking up last night…the silence broken by an angry woman swearing at a man. Then the sound of a thud from a big fist hitting her face. Silence. Then a minute later a strangled cry of terror and helplessness. Then more silence. Not another sound, no shuffling down the street, no patio door sliding shut in my building around me. Chilling.
I stayed awake for a long while feeling helpless, enraged and praying hard.
Now, I am home once again, I connect to my Source, do what i know to do and bit by bit, release by release, I mellow and start to feel calm, safe again. Realizing I’m traumatized and need to honour it, not move into more coping behaviour and bully myself into getting on with things.
Yet, I know and trust that I will find myself filling with strength and tenderness, as I grieve it out. I will forgive myself for where I personally attacked and not simply educated in the shoe store. I will shrug my shoulders at the part annoyed at not getting my chores done, not being able to ‘get ahead’ and check those things off my list – because of things happening outside myself.
Mostly I will recognize and then respect, how I have reached my limit of how much I can bear for the moment. I will gently take care of myself as best as I can. I will turn it over to my greater self, and see how it unfolds. Trust that I am being taught by spirit my path of love through it all.
My job is to write this in the here and now. To risk feeling exposed and share it with those who might find it healing despite the subject involved.
Now I will make tea and stretch. Stay in the moment, fiercely love myself and continue to reach out to life.
So be it.